Christopher Grame

My girlfriends room is like a damn sauna right now. The fan is on, my clothes are off and the powder has been applied yet it is still dreadfully hot. It's been a while since I posted on here but It's because a weird series of events that happened quite quickly. First off I was noticing how very bored my week was going to be because the high school would be closed all week. Now I know it sounds wierd to actually miss school but the truth is school keeps me on a good eating routin and takes up just enough time for me not to be bored out of my mind.

So Joanna called me and we started talking about how much we miss eachother and blah blah. Out of nowhere the idea of her coming to Long Island to pick me up came about. I liked the idea too but the money situation was tight. Another idea arose, how bout going to Staten Island by way of public transportation? If it wasn't for the 200 lb bag that I had to lug around the city with me I'd say it went pretty well. Here is what needs to be done in order to get from Long Island to Staten Island. Long Island Rail Road(6.75 one way) - 1 train - South Ferry - Staten Island. It takes about an estimated hour and a half to two hours or maybe it just felt that long. I ran into someone that I had met off of the internet and we hung out for the train ride to the city which turned out to be pretty cool. Either way it was a fun adventure for me because I hardly ever travel alone.

The Outwars site is down due to err...complications. Ok I admit it, I screwed it up! It's php and that's not something I know so you can't really blaime me. Untill the guy who bought the domain fixes it there is nothing we can do. There has been a million Ideas going through my mind ever since the site went down. Some of these ideas include a Promotion Video, a Tutorial Video and a back-up website. After talking to some people plans began to get into motion. I designed a layout that I'm extremely happy with. I doubt many people will like it but it just strikes me as something I should be very proud of. The design is almost complete...well it is pretty much complete except for a few minor changes that might take place. The next steps would be:

1. code the website
2. find someone to write up guides/tutorials ect.
3. get video software to create the promo and tutorial videos
4. create forums

Counter-Strike is finally working properly on Joannas computer. It could just be a lucky night or it has finally stopped lagging so bad. I had to stop myself from playing any longer before because I got so mad I let slip a "roar" so to speak. Video Games really know how to press my buttons. The good thing is that I've been holding my temper a tad bit better than I would have in the past. It's nothing special but it's a start. Joanna said she would traid computers with me so that I can play CS for a few weeks on a cable modem. At first the idea seemed to be pretty tempting but now that I see what happens to me I will have to resist!

Dieting is going pretty well except for the fact that my weight just jumps around now. I have this 4 pound area that I just stay in and it's extremely irksome. Maybe it's because of me being sick for the pask week. Who knows? Anyways my eyes are starting to hurt again with this brilliant bubble gum pink that Joanna has on her computer screen so...untill next time!

P.S. gAIM (the messanger program) sucks! I was completely wrong about trillian. It was so good that buying trillian pro seems like a good idea. By buying I mean cracking, haha jk...lol.

this will probably be the shortest post I ever make but I feel that I should make it anyways. I just got back from 3 hours of counter-strike and I didn't really make any progress towards being a "good sport". lol it's a lot harder then it seems. anyways I'm going to mess around on here for a while and maybe play some Lockdown before I hit the bed.

losing has always been a big part of my life and I don't know why. I always feel this great blow to my pride/self esteem when I lose. don't get me wrong I don't do it on purpose. If you were to bang your toe into the wall would you not get mad, angry or upset? of course you would it's just an instinct. well that's exactly what happens the moment I lose. I noticed that a few of my friends have that same exact problem as well and it pisses me off when they act that way so I can just imagine what it is like seeing me get pissed about losing. lmao you wouldn't believe some of the shit one of my friends says to me when he dies in halo 2. he goes "dude you didn't kill the guy fast enough!" ummm yeah, you died because I WASN'T PROTECTING YOU! lmao. oh boy I mean being a sore loser is one thing but blaiming me for not killing a guy fast enough that I didn't even know was after you? psh oh well I've done things like that before as well so I can't completely hate but at the same time it really gets me going. so what is there to do? I can't be like this forever because I'll only end up in a back alley brawl over a game of cards or something, haha. I looked up some tips to accept losing a little bit more gracefully and here are some of them.

Here are 7 tips to help you succeed.

1. Confront your behavior.
   Kids aren't born poor losers, so ask yourself where is your kid learning this behavior? Are you modeling good sportsmanship? Do you make excuses for your own difficulties? Blame your boss when something goes wrong? Yell at the coach? Criticize your kid's teachers in front of them? Your kid is watching. What can you do to be better example of good sportsmanship for your kid?
   
   
2. Call "foul" on your kid on the first hint of losing attitude.
   Each and every time your kid shows that bad attitude (he makes an excuse, blames others, can't accept criticism, boos, criticizes the teacher, coach, sibling), call him on it. Let him know plain and simple that kind of attitude isn't going to be tolerated any more. If he exhibits a losing attitude with others, take him aside and tell him what you noticed: "I heard you criticizing the teacher for your mistake," "You were fighting with the coach." or "You blamed all your teammates."
   
   
3. "Red card" any uncivil, aggressive behavior.
   Spell out your expectations: if your kid displays bad sportsmanlike behavior again, he will leave the game (play group, scout meeting, or whatever) on the spot or apologize. Your child has to recognize that he must be considerate of other people's feelings, and if he is not, he just simply may not participate. And if your child does display any aggressive, insulting, or rude behavior that goes over your line-such as booing, hitting, or cheating -- remove him from the activity.
   
   
4. Emphasize good sportsmanship.
   Some families have a personal motto that represents good sportsmanship: "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game." "If you can't play nicely, you don't play," "Winning isn't everything." You might choose your family's favorite, hang up a few posters on the fridge, and repeat it again and again until kids can recite it without reminders.
   
   
5. Find teachable moments to show the right way to handle defeat.
   Kids need to learn that everyone suffers defeat, but there is a right (and wrong) way to handle setbacks. And the best lessons are those teachable moments. Use them: While watching the Olympics, a quiz or even a reality TV show, say, "There's only going to be one winner. Let's watch to see what the losers do. See-they're shaking hands with their opponents." Or "That was a tough competition. Did you notice how some of the kids acted who lost? They were complaining the event wasn't fair. They sure didn't act like good sports."
   
   
6. Teach your child to encourage her teammates.
   Good sports and good losers support and encourage each other. One way to help your kid be more encouraging is to teach the "two praise rule." It's simple: you must praise your peers at least twice before the event ends. Help your kid think of a few encouraging comments-for example, "Great job!", "Super answer!" "Amazing play!" Then suggest he practice the rule at any group activity.
   
   
7. Teach how to lose gracefully
   Not everyone can win; so we need to teach our kids how to accept victory as well as defeat--and do so gracefully. If we don't, our kids won't know how to handle their loss and because they lack that skill, they often look like poor losers. Here are a few ways to help fail with poise.
   
   
   • Help your child learn a statement to say to herself to bounce back from defeat: "Nobody's perfect." "I can turn this around." "I can handle this." Then help your kid practice saying the statement out loud again and again until she can remember to use it on her own.
     
     
   • Show how you cope with defeat, so your kid can model your example. Here's the formula: "My mistake was." "I learn..from my mistake." Example: "I had to redo a whole report today because I forgot to save the document on my hard drive. Next time, I'll save as I go along."
     
     
   • Create a phrase together your child can say when he suffers defeat so she sounds like a graceful loser-for example: "Good race!" "That was close." "Let's try again tomorrow." "Wow, I'm impressed." Help him practice it at home so he can confidently say it to peers.
     
     
   • Dust off the checker boards or Candyland games and hold Family Game Nights. It's a great way to help kids learn the rules of good sportsmanship. So model them as you play together: stick to the rules, no excuses or criticizing, play to the end, congratulate the winner. And deliberately allow yourself to lose sometimes so you can show how to lose gracefully.

Tuning up good sportsmanship is about how to help our kids play the game called life -- and how to play it well. We must replace a poor losing attitude with those glorious old homespun values of fairness and forgiveness. So roll up your sleeves, and let the attitude makeover begin.

well it sounds pretty good. I like the whole, giving other players compliments when they make a nice shot or something because I have never done that in the past. I usually just say CHEATER! or something. yeah I know I really have to get crack'n.

on to my weight loss. I weighed myself today and was 193.5! damn man I was 205 last month. this eating 5-6 times a day is so great I think that I will just eat like this for the rest of my life. the only problem is that this is working out a little tooo good for me if you know what I mean. every time something good happens to me something bad will happen at the same time so I need to watch out.

also I was playing lockdown a little bit more today and realised that it wasn't so bad. the thing is that the game is so much more realistic then the last. also you get a heartbeat sensor function like in the previous RS games for the computer. it's fun because you can use your HBS to see through the WOODEN doors and shoot people through them, haha. you can't shoot people through metal doors but you can see people through walls, desks ect.

anyways I'm going to try and get xbox live set up tonight so that I have something to do all week besides waste my time on this stupid freakin computer. oh and btw Counter Strike works on Joannas computer! It's a tad choppy. I mean like 1/2 a second but still I did not expect it to even come close to working. So from now on when I go to Joannas house I will have a bunch of stuff todo.

I've been very sick over the last few days and I still am so I'm going to just get straight to the point. I'm at my girlfriends house and I'm just relaxing. I feel really good right now for some reason which is wierd because I've felt kind of crappy all week.

1. RainbowSix:Lockdown - I was at blockbuster brosing around when I just happened to stumble upon GTA:SA. It looked so tempting so I grabbed it and said 8 dollars or not I WANT TO PLAY THIS!!! so I'm at the counter getting ready to rent it when I see RS:LD. I was so torn between the two but since I had already played GTA:SA a few times already I didn't want to pass up on this opprotunity. I got to admit it, the game isn't all that exciting. Maybe it's because it's so differant from RS3 and I just haven't gotten used to it. I'll play it untill it's due back and give it a better chance when I can play it at home...ALONE.

psh it's to bad I'm not home right now because there is a couple of games that I've been playing lately that maybe you should give a try. I don't remember all the links and stuff but I'll give it a shot.

the first is a game called frvade. it's pretty much a puzzle game that's ridiculously hard. people seem to think that this guy is a genious for creating some of these puzzles but I think that most of them are pretty unfair. ugh...it's just to hard to explain. try it for yourself at:

www. frvade.com

sidenote: anyone who gets caught up in these types of things and can't stop untill the finish something don't bother. I wouldn't want anyone else getting trapped like I did. haha it drives you crazy!

the next game is a really old 2d shooter called subspace. you fly around with ships and shoot people in space. there are six ships in all I think and each has their pros and cons. It's actually quite addictive for such an old game. I really don't know to much about it but it turns out I'm pretty good at the game so give it a shot.

sidenote: subspace is a good game for peopel with 56k and old computers. http://beginners.subspace.net/ is the link. I think it is atleast...I'm updating CS with this pos 56k connection so I can't go to any other sites while it is still updating. I'll check later and correct it if it's wrong though.

another game I'm playing for the 1,000 time is GTA: Vice City. I am beggining to release that it is one of the most enjoying games I've ever played in my life. I can just drive around and look at all the beautiful places, listen to the hilarious radio stations or just go around killing whoever I feel like. honestly I can play this game for hours on end and never get bored. I tip my hat to rockstar for making this one.

enough with the games, I'll get into more important things in my life. well for one I lost like 5 pounds. this eating 5-6 times aday thing with small portions is so good. not only am I never hungry, I never get stuffed and I'm loosing weight.

I got 2 weeks off of school! yeah I guess it's ok but I know I'm just going to end up being bored and staying on the internet the whole time. The only thing I can think to do is hook my friends xbox up to my cable modem and play lockdown all week. I know it doesn't sound like much but if you knew how long I been playing Tom Clancy games you would understand. damn...this means I will need to by an xbox live kit or something. oh well, I'll think of something.

finally I completed everything at Best Buy. all 3 interviews, background check and drug test. now the next stage is going in on a saturday for a freakin 5 hour training video or something like that. OMG how boring is that going to be??? it does take a lot of time and effort to get into Best Buy but hopefully in the end it will have been worth it.

damn my eyes really hurt. my girlfriends comp is all bright pink and far away so I have to strain my eyes to see the screen. I'm going to go relax, pz.

it's strange that I feel like jumping out the window because I have nothing to do tonight yet at the same time I feel like there is a million things I should be doing or have to do. it's the dumbest cross between to feelings I've ever experianced. I hope writing about it might make it go away a little but probably not. I was just talking to my friend and explaining to him what the problem was.

(23:41:48) chris: phil, i'm so bored
(23:41:59) chris: this has to be the most boring day of mylif
(23:42:01) chris: e
(23:43:51) phill: why?
(23:44:01) phill: here
(23:45:46) chris: dunno I'm having this strange paradox of emotions
(23:46:10) chris: I feel more bored than anything yet at the same time I feel like there are hundrends of things I need to do/try/create
(23:46:28) chris: my mind won't slow down enough to focus on just one thing though

that's the perfect way to explain what I am feeling right now. a million things zooming through my mind and I'm sitting there trying to catch one of them but they just go by to fast. hmm I wonder if I have ADHD or OCD. Attention Deficit Hyper-active Disorder; which is basically something that makes it hard for people to focus and gives them short attention spans. uhmm...what was I saying? oh now I remember, OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; which is where a thought (usually a bad one someone doesn't want to have in there head in the first place) get's stuck in someones head and the person keeps on focusing on it so much that it drives them crazy. it doesn't have to be a thought, it can be a sound or event aswell. I'm not a 100% sure about anything right now so don't quote me on any of this. I also have been feeling a little under the weather with a sore throat, a lightheaded feeling and slight aches.

many of the thoughts going through my head are about writing, drawing, designing or making something. it's like I know I can draw a picture of anything or design any type of website but which one? I don't have anything that really has got my attention right now. so how am I going to write up a website or put time and effort into something I don't really like to begin with? yeah yeah I know I been trying to get that Outwars game off it's feet but I screwed up that site for 1 and have to wait for my friend to fix it. 2 I don't want to waste a great deal of time on it because I have a feeling that eventually it will just fold again.

another thing that is bothering me is that I'm already slacking off on my homework. the PIG & Economics course that I'm taking is strictly @home work. like I said yesterday I have to talk to my guidence councler about it tommorow.

"how was the interview chris?" oh ty, I didn't think you cared! well it was pretty much the same thing as the 2nd interview which was some guy asking me a whole bunch of questions. I got along with this guy a lot better though. he seemed to be a pretty cool guy. I got the job definatly! all I have to do now is take my drug test (which I automatically passed because I haven't done anything since I was around 14, lol) and get my background check done with and then that's it. after that I can start working. finally...

alright I think what I should do now is put a little bit of work into my personal webpage which I want to get up eventually. later all.

I dunno I just feel like talking about random things right now. I had art class today which, as always, was fun. I also went to the play counter strike with my friend. It was also fun but we got our asses kicked, lol. I had a regular day so to speak. I've been thinking a lot lately and I might want to come up with some type of short story or something. I got like a billion ideas up in my head but no where near enough time to accomplish everything. today I came up with this little tutorial for outwars. well it's not really a tutorial but it's a video which shows the circle strafe. the circle strafe is a move in outwars that most people have a hard time learning. I figured either way, if people play the game or not, I can eventually gain something from this experiance.

http://outwars.org/cst.wmv

sidenote: all the work I've put into the Outwars Project lately hasn't been my best. I care about Outwars but at the same time I don't care enough to put tons of effort into it. just letting you know that most of the things you see from me on Outwars are done half-ass.

here is a header I made a few months ago when I had first started my forums for outwars. I think it looks pretty good.

http://outwars.org/mofheader.jpg

and here is a picture I took at Joanna's cousins wedding a few months ago. the size is 1024x768 if you would like to use it as a wallpaper that's fine with me. I think that this photo is quite beautiful.

http://outwars.org/wallpaper1024x768.jpg

I'm a little upset because I didn't complete my assignments for PIG & economics. to be honest with you I don't really get the whole subject anyways so maybe if I go talk to the quidence councler she will help me with it. It's not that I don't understand the work, it's just that I don't know exactly what the teacher wants me to do.

oh well, back to art class. I showed my teacher the vector art wallpaper I did for neverside and she really liked it. she wanted me to sign it so she could keep it incase I become famous one day(lmao). anyways some kid cut himself and got blood on it so now I have to print her out another one. after all that happened we began to learn how to draw proportionized faces. I think the one I drew came out pretty good but then again I'm not expert. finally the teacher asked the only other person in the class actually interested in art if there was a project she would like to do. the girl said anime. I guess this could be pretty cool so if anything I want to do cloud/sephiroth from final fantasy 7 or some hot anime chick as my character.

I have my final job interview at best buy tommorow at 1 30pm. I'm not really nervous about it at all for some reason. I do hope that I get it though because I really need to get crackin on saving up for christmas presents. I promised Joanna I would get her something really nice and she really deserves it. lmao, I guess I want the job more for her than my self now that I think about it. psh I think either way I will be happy. I love electronics so best buy would be perfect for me. If I don't get it then it just wasn't meant to be.

ok I'm going to sleep now, If I think of anything else to write up I will get back on it. btw here is the wallpaper I made for neverside:

http://studio.neverside.com/download/230/wallpaper2.jpg

EDIT: lol i'm back I almost forgot, I've downloaded a few new programs that I must share with you.

VLC media player: it's a lightweight video/audio player that reads almost any type of format you throw at it. download here

warez p2p: this is a thousand times smaller and better than limewire, trust me! download here

sysMETRIX: this is basically a program that shows all of your system statistics/weather/email/time/date and so much more right on your desktop! I really like it. download here

after that bit about outwars and a little chat with my friend I've become slightly depressed about the fact that I've wasted about 4 full years worth of my life on the computer. 3-3.5 years has been wasted on video games and bullshit. I look back on it all now and it is so depressing and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. I can't go back and change time to create a better childhood that doesn't consist of avid computer/video game use. here is a priceless quote from my good friend lonny:

(05:09:53) lonny: ill tell you whats depressing dude,when i launch outwars by myself and fly around anub and no one is there so i just shoot shit and toss mines.......thats fuckin depressing.....lol
(05:10:08) chris: lmfaoooo

omg I couldn't stop laughing when he said that. still it is depressing when there are kids like me who stay around all night and play video games and waste away infront a computer screen all night. I don't waste away and play video games anymore, I just sit on the computer and try to learn new things, programs, languages or develope my art skills. I just hope that eventually it will all add up to something and that I won't get hit by a car tommorow and know that my pretty much my entire life was wasted in virtual reality. I would have wished I would have done the right thing, spent time with loved ones and done the things I was too afraid to do.

what can I do now? can I leave the computer world forever and say that I only wasted a bit of my life on here, I can get past this and enjoy the rest of my life, don't come on the computer as much but don't just throw away the 4-5 years you've put into it already or don't change at all and hope that I can be happy with the life that I've chosen in the end?

I don't know what I will choose in the end but this is something I definatly need to think about because it is really upsetting me thinking of all this time I've wasted I could have been doing bigger and better things. anyways it's time to wake up joanna, peace.

ok so I am really tired and should probably wait till tommorow to post this up but I can't. I used to play this game called Outwars which was created back in 1998. it started out with about 2-300 people playing I think. now it has around 2-3, lmao. sadly I am one of those few who still play. if the game wasn't so fun and I didn't have this feeling that drove me to help this sad and lonely game throughout the years then I would just move on. there is nothing I can do really, I'm a smart guy but trying to get people to play a 7 year old game which hardly anyone plays anymore is extemely difficult.

i'm not really sure what I want. eventually I know the game will die and we (the loyal followers) will just have to accept that. so why? why do we keep trying month after month year after year to try and bring back this dead game? well obviously it must be a pretty good fricken game then! or we are just stupid. either way I would just like even for a few months for this game to be something more then a lonely distant memory of when it used to be popular.

a few months back I created a forums to get all of the old players back and see how things would progress. it was going so good and there was such high hopes. then someone decided to make a PHP site which they wanted me to run and shut down my forums. It was a great upgrade but it never really caught on like the forums did. we had over 40 members and about 400 posts or something like that. It was so upsetting to see it all come down.

anyways a few nights ago an old friend from outwars msg's me and asked me if Outwars was still happening. I told him I think it was dead but if he wanted to I would help him try to bring it back again. that's just what happens with Outwars I guess. a few guys put in a lot of work to get it going and then it dies after a few months. ugh well I swear this is the last time I give it a shot. no more BS. I will try my hardest. maybe I can even put this down somewhere in the future for a job thingy or something. nahhh doubt it, lol.

so here we are down to big question; do you want to play Outwars with us? really? that's great! click on the link to the side that says outwars.org on it to get directed to the main site. there you will get a bit of information on the game and be able to Download it.

if you're having problems with it I will write up a few pages that I feel will help you out.

here is the first one I wrote up a little while ago:
www.outwars.org/di.html

I'm pissed. first off for the last 2 weeks I been doing so well with my diet, I lost 7 pounds, then this weekend I come to my girlfriends house and it all turns to shit. I was so bored and there was nothing healthy to eat. I don't have my bike, I have no money and I've never been so helpless in my life. oh well. what can I do? as soon as I get home tommorow I'm going to get back on track. that's the only thing I can do really. if I sit here and dwell on it for the rest of my life I won't lose anything.

the worst part of being at my girlfriends house is that she has 56k(which is AOL for all you non computer-savy people). Also her moniter is like 505453 feet away from where I'm sitting so I need a pair of binoculars to see the screen. psssh I know what your thinking, I'm at my girlfriends house I should be spending time with her and not be on the computer anyways. HAH! let's see when you're with your partner everyday for 8 months straight. lol anyways I just need to get all of this out and to tell you the truth I'm starting to feel better already.

my girlfriends family and I went into the city today for the San Genero feast. we had a really good time I must admit. although I did eat a bit more then I should have I enjoyed myself. I don't remember the names of the places we ate at because it was just sooooo crowded. a lot of Italians where there which was really good to see(because I am Italian). I would have liked to take some pictures for memory purposes but I didn't have a camera. oh well, me and Joannas brother almost got into a little "beef" with these 2 kids on our way back to the car. I think some kid barked at her mom but I didn't hear it to be honest. I was staring at one of the kids and all I heard him say was "it wasn't me, it was him" lmao and he points to his friend. ah what are friends for?

so tommorow I go home. all together I have to say this was a good weekend. If it wasn't for the fact that I had gained 2 pounds back I would have really enjoyed myself. people just have to take the good with the bad sometimes. I still didn't do any of my homework which was supposed to be done by now. psh, when it comes to homework I'm so lazy. Best Buy called me back with a date for my 3rd interview with the general manager(which is good news for me). I saw Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children. It was the japanese version with no subtitles so I really didn't understand what was going on half the time. with that said...It was by fair the best CG movie I've ever seen and possibly one of the best MOVIES period. I was a huge ff7 fan so my opinion might be a little biased but still...imagine if I actually knew what was going on? lol.

time for bed, I'm really tired. goodnight!